Taking A Bath with BLING

Yesterday, an article on ABC News.com reported on a brand new high-end bottled water called Bling H20 that retails for $75 a bottle. A BOTTLE! That’s not the monthly service with those big water kegs your Mom

pays for but can’t lift. That’s one bottle for 75 bucks!

I remember when bottled water first became all the rage and Evian was the water to drink. People couldn’t believe their fellow Americans would pay $2 a pop to drink water. One night, Jay Leno had a joke in his monologue that Evian spelled backwards was Naive. Well, Bling spelled backwards is Gnilb, which I’m pretty sure is Scandinavian for “Are you outta yo damn mind?”

Let’s start with the source. According to the article, Bling H20 “contains spring water from Tennessee.” Not 100% spring water. Just “contains.” Wonderful. I grew up in far North Georgia about a rock and a slingshot from Tennessee and in my young life I spent a good bit of time in and around Tennessee water. I swam in Nickajack Lake. I tubed on the Tennessee River. I frequented the water fountains at the Chattanooga community pool. I even narrowly missed being dunked at a Baptist prayer breakfast once. To be honest, I remember Tennessee water tasting a bit mossy with a hint of tree bark and a nice blend of duck feathers and water moccasin eggs. Admittedly, I have not lived near Tennessee in 15 years now. I’m sure the water has come a long way.

Should you be so inclined to purchase a bottle of Bling H20 for a mere $75 a bottle, you should know the bottle is also adorned with “Swarovski crystals” in what I’m sure is a lovely pattern. I checked a website selling Swarovski crystals and for $3.99 to $11.99, you can even buy patterns of crystals with little messages like “Just Married” and “I Love You.” Give it a year and we’ll be looking at a whole new line of Bling called “Bling Bold” featuring new Swarovski sayings like “I’m Drinking My Children’s Inheritance” and “I’d rather be drinking a Bentley.”

Actually, a visit to www.blingh20.com pretty well sums it up. The homepage features the lower half of an all but naked woman balancing a bottle of Bling between her upturned foot and the crest of her derriere. Read a little further and you realize each limited edition bottle of Bling comes in a corked, 750 ml bottle with frosted glass and was the creation of a Hollywood producer. Of course it was. It’s all about image, baby!

Drink up America. But before you do, consider this:

At $75 a bottle, Bling is more expensive per ounce than milk that has to be created, extracted from a cow, pasteurized, put in a plastic jug and transported all over the country in a race the expiration date mission that would make Ethan Hunt nervous.

At $75 a bottle, Bling is more expensive per ounce than crude oil that requires decades of research to find, years of drilling to reach, months of extraction to get and multiple wars to fight over.

At $75 a bottle, Bling is more expensive per ounce than the vast majority of wine sold in America. In fact, a 2004 Harris poll said only 36% of people had ever even THOUGHT of buying wine that costs $30 a bottle or more. Hell, a lot of my friends have just now moved up to bottles with a cork. I don’t know.

Maybe buying a $75 bottle of water isn’t THAT irresponsible. It’s not like it’s Starbucks coffee or anything. You only live once, right?

Screw it. Buy a bottle of Bling H20. Hell, live on the edge. Buy two and put them on your credit card.